Author: Kevin Long

hammered

BROKEN NEWS – Getting hammered just like Christ, New Easter tradition inducted into the papal canon.

Good Friday morning. St Peter’s Square overflowed with hoards of pious Catholics gathered to hear the wise words of Pope Francis. Thousands flock to Vatican City every year for the hallowed Easter Masses, eager to commemorate the day their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, was crucified. Stepping out onto the balcony, the sun overhead, Pope Francis addressed all the people of the square with a simple prayer and greeting before shocking millions of Catholics worldwide with his unanticipated direction of Easter wisdom.

Catholics will now be able to partake in pub crawls, house parties and other such binge-drinking events around the world, in order to drink to their heart’s content in the name of Christ. “The Vatican formally encourages all Catholics to indulge in alcohol of all types: Beer, Cider, holy spirits and copious amount of the blood of Christ,” declared the Pope, “many centuries ago, Our Saviour got hammered so that one day we would be able to get hammered too.”

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Broken News

BROKEN NEWS: Isis Doc Says That Women Can Become Suicide Bombers Without Their Husband’s Permission

A newly recruited suicide bomber from within the ISIS organisation spoke with us anonymously, feeling compelled to express her feelings and intentions on joining the fight. “I just wanted to show the world that women can do any job just as well as a man can”, whispered our informant over her burner-phone from inside her secret hideaway within the camp. “I want to show everyone out there that we are free to do what we want as proud women. Sorry gotta go, my husband’s calling out for me”. Read more …