Australia’s most powerful kiwi, Barnaby Joyce, was recently revealed to have received the second highest number of nominations for the prestigious “New Zealander of the Year” award. The award is one of New Zealand’s highest honours, after “Rugby League Try of the Year” and “NZ’s Most Comfortable Jandal”.

In light of this, the committee of the Australian of the Year award has announced that in the event that Barnaby Joyce is officially nominated for New Zealander of the Year, he will be automatically nominated for Australian of the Year to reflect his dual citizenship. Should Joyce win, he will also automatically receive the Australian of the Year award. The committee have also stated they will uphold the great Australian tradition of claiming Kiwi achievements as their own by moving to confiscate Joyce’s would-be ‘New Zealander of the Year’ award and have its title plaque scratched off in order to have ‘Australian of the Year’ engraved in its place.

The member for New England addressed the media outside the steps of parliament in his thick kiwi accent, urging the public to stop vandalising his electoral office in Tamworth. Mr Joyce reported that in the past 4 days, every sign inside his office and within a 15km radius have been altered to read ‘Barnaby Joyce. Honourable Member for New England, bru.’ Additional graffiti tags and insults have also been spray painted on the window front of his office, including phrases such as “Go back to where you came from”, “Fush and chups”, and “Once you go All Black, you never go All Back”.

The Australian Department of Immigration and Border Protection have expressed their concerns that if Mr Joyce were to leave Australia to receive his award, he might not be allowed to re-enter the country, on the grounds that he could be classed as a foreign power due to New Zealand’s recent wins in the Bledisloe Cup. The Customs and Border Protection service have further warned that if Mr Joyce returns via private jet without declaring himself, he would be given 50 days to leave the country or be euthanised by a licensed veterinarian.

Other countries around the globe have followed suit in offering similar “of the year” prizes to Australian dual citizen MPs on the merits that they have become arguably the most powerful citizen of their respective nation in Australia. Senator for the Nationals, Matt Canavan, has been provisionally nominated for Italy’s Best Hand Gesticulator of the Year 2017; whilst former Greens Senator Larissa Waters has been drafted into the Canadian Women’s Ice Hockey team and is set to represent Canada in the 2018 IIHF World Championship in Copenhagen, next year.

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