Good Friday morning. St Peter’s Square overflowed with hoards of pious Catholics gathered to hear the wise words of Pope Francis. Thousands flock to Vatican City every year for the hallowed Easter Masses, eager to commemorate the day their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, was crucified. Stepping out onto the balcony, the sun overhead, Pope Francis addressed all the people of the square with a simple prayer and greeting before shocking millions of Catholics worldwide with his unanticipated direction of Easter wisdom.

Catholics will now be able to partake in pub crawls, house parties and other such binge-drinking events around the world, in order to drink to their heart’s content in the name of Christ. “The Vatican formally encourages all Catholics to indulge in alcohol of all types: Beer, Cider, holy spirits and copious amount of the blood of Christ,” declared the Pope, “many centuries ago, Our Saviour got hammered so that one day we would be able to get hammered too.”

In the moments immediately following the address, attendees at St Peter’s Square reportedly flooded nearby bars and pubs to begin the binge. Capitalising on the new addition to canon law, local enterprises began selling renamed products at massive mark ups. At a local international bar, drinks such as “Vatican Vodka”, “Catholic Cask Wine” and “Jesus Gin” were served up at outrageous prices. Perhaps the most notable item was the “12 Disciples”, a set of 12 different shots sold at 222€. A video has surfaced on YouTube of a young man attempting to buy 3 sets of the “12 Disciples”, before receiving the bill for 666€ and fleeing in terror.

Keen cardinals also hit the streets, downing ungodly amounts of alcohol, and engaging in rowdy behaviour. Some were seen filling a hot tub with holy water, whilst others vandalised public property by defacing road signs, lengthening the lower part of an intersection sign to make a crucifix. Police report that during the evening, 2 cardinals were arrested for graffiti after they were caught spray painting the window of a nearby café with crucifixes and writing ‘Long live the Dope Pope’ in permanent marker.

Broken News managed to ask a passing Russian cardinal how his Good Friday was progressing, to which he replied: “Good Friday? THIS IS A GREAT FRIDAY! This is not Easter, this is Beaster! By God, do I love the Dope Pope. BUT NOT IN THAT WAY, that would a bit Fri-Gay, amirite?”, raising his hand for a high-five that would never come.


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