A newly recruited suicide bomber from within the ISIS organisation spoke with us anonymously, feeling compelled to express her feelings and intentions on joining the fight. “I just wanted to show the world that women can do any job just as well as a man can”, whispered our informant over her burner-phone from inside her secret hideaway within the camp. “I want to show everyone out there that we are free to do what we want as proud women. Sorry gotta go, my husband’s calling out for me”.

Women around the world are applauding ISIS’s revelation that women are able to join the organisation as suicide bombers without needing the say-so of their husbands. The UN entity for the empowerment of women (UN WOMEN) has labeled the move as an “important step in the right direction” and a display of “equal rights in every fight”. Other fundamentalist groups on the other hand have spoken out against the decision, calling ISIS “radicals” and accusing them of “pandering to lefty scum and SJWs”.

The announcement has brought the twittersphere into a down spiral of confusion, with the hashtags #FeminISISt and #RadicalFeminism trending all over the world. On the one hand, many radical feminists are finding their posts mixed in with articles of praise towards ISIS; whilst many far-right Twitter groups are also unsure how to feel either, expressing a mixed brand of confused-angered-excitement that experts have labeled: Confangeredment, combining the sentiments of “less Moslem women, less terrorist babies”, “ISIS is a direct attack on western ideas of feminism and democracy”, and “We need to stop ISIS recruiting”. Doctors are also reporting a fresh spike in the number of patients suffering from headaches and pulled forehead muscles, due to the increase in the number of furrowed brows being worn by the general population.

Coalition forces have expressed due confusion over the announcement and have begun scrambling to rework their agendas. “Previously, we’ve prioritised the protection of women and children caught in the conflict-affected regions, as well as standing for the equal treatment of women”, explained General Steve Stevenson “But now, we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s not like we could outright condemn their decision for killing women and adding to the casualties of conflict, nor can we support them for allowing women to do this job.” Other leaders have been at odds as to how they should respond, but have reached the general consensus that this entirely situation is “Confusing AF”.

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