BROKEN NEWS: Obtained Documents reveal Bob Katter’s Inner City Roots

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A new day in Australian Politics has brought with it yet another scandal regarding a prominent politician’s heritage; though this time under quite unique circumstances.

Official documents obtained by Radio Monash reveal that Federal MP and Australia’s least favourite ‘country-bumpkin’ Bob Katter, is in fact as cosmopolitan as Carrie Bradshaw vaping coffee through an avocado pip while listening to an audiobook of Eat, Pray Love on a Kindle.    

These documents have come to light following the comments of American-Australian naturalist Terri Irwin on Sky News Australia yesterday. “I’ve seen the bloody science”, exclaimed Irwin in between restraining various wildlife creatures. “His hat is just too blooming’ clean and shiny for the bush. Not to mention he’s always at the airport – and real country folk are sworn by a blood oath to never to rise off the sunburnt sands.”

Screen Shot 2017-09-05 at 3.30.30 AMIrwin’s comments naturally raised concerns over the validity of Katter’s heritage, prompting scientists and journalists alike to work together in order to uncover the MP’s true identity as a inner-city dwelling Melburnian hipster. Within hours, the CSIRO had tested a selection of Katter’s hats revealing conclusively that the cleanliness of the hats were utterly incompatible with the filthiness of country life in Queensland.

Fuelled by our belief in integrity and the superpowers of internet journalism, Radio Monash’s BROKEN NEWS continued to search for evidence to support both Irwin’s claims and the CSIRO findings. By paying vulnerable and impressionable children to sift through Katter’s garbage, we were able to uncover three individual sources (pictured below) that unequivocally support links to Katter’s inner-city roots. The sources include:

  1. A receipt from the Eureka Skydeck dated the first of September this year, in which Katter allegedly ordered over sixteen hundred dollars of dishes that featured avocado as a main ingredient.
  2. A Myki card with the words “Property of Bob Katter MP” written on the front.
  3. A Vendor licence allegedly belonging to Katter permitting him to sell copies of The Big Issue.  

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Leading Political Correspondent Oaurie Loakes offered his exclusive thoughts to Broken News following the day’s revelations, noting that Katter’s methods may indeed be the most calculated and effective use of political power throughout the country’s history:

“For a city-slicker like Katter to commit so passionately to tarnishing the reputation of country-folk; sinking to the levels of manifesting an entire career showcasing idiocy, prejudice, racism, homophobia and stupidity of such an extreme nature is unheard of. In retrospect the real surprise is that anyone fell for it and took him seriously in the first place!”

When Broken News alerted Katter’s office to the documents seeking a response, the spokesperson stressed that the politician was engaging in some “real outback activities; such as herding cattle, watching re-runs of Russell Coight and firing warning shots at minorities” before hanging up the phone.

Radio Monash’s Broken News is quite obviously the most accurate, well researched and utterly truthful source of bullshit on the internet. Do not consume if seal is broken.

Connor Johnston

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