Good Friday morning. St Peter’s Square overflowed with hoards of pious Catholics gathered to hear the wise words of Pope Francis. Thousands flock to Vatican City every year for the hallowed Easter Masses, eager to commemorate the day their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, was crucified. Stepping out onto the balcony, the sun overhead, Pope Francis addressed all the people of the square with a simple prayer and greeting before shocking millions of Catholics worldwide with his unanticipated direction of Easter wisdom.
Catholics will now be able to partake in pub crawls, house parties and other such binge-drinking events around the world, in order to drink to their heart’s content in the name of Christ. “The Vatican formally encourages all Catholics to indulge in alcohol of all types: Beer, Cider, holy spirits and copious amount of the blood of Christ,” declared the Pope, “many centuries ago, Our Saviour got hammered so that one day we would be able to get hammered too.”