2016 is possibly the best time to be at Monash university as both student and staff. Never before has a University experienced such a gold rush period like now, even when Monash expanded overseas in preparation for its hostile takeover of the entire planet. While its dreams of turning the world into a single corporate giant intent on turning the economy into a conglomerate of HECs debts are still in the far flung future, Monash has faced criticism over several changes enacted in recent years.
Unfortunately, Monash’s senior management have been emotionally and mentally destabilized by these comments and have chosen to lead with a phantom hand instead, working from the shadows and never revealing themselves to the public. We at Radio Monash have endeavored to get to the bottom of all this hubbub and show you, our dear reader, the real heroes behind Monash.
Reduced numbers of parking spots, carpool permit price hikes, outdoor table tennis tables and the removal of an entrance to the busiest building in the entire area are only some of a few positive changes around the Monash University Clayton campus since the beginning of the first semester of 2016.
Indeed, Monash’s executives have been quite the busy bees over the holidays, reportedly brainstorming before the semester began on butcher’s paper with non-toxic crayons to meticulously engineer the new features we can see on campus today.
Monash has seen several improvements, most evidently with their parking and permit system. A massive outdoor TV screen has been built to be curiously glanced at by herds of students milling about campus centre instead of attending their lectures. Monash has had to hire several teams of window cleaners to continually keep the screen in “spit licking 1080p quality, all day errday” as the Vice-Chancellor has insisted quite passionately. As such, red parking has spilled over to a large portion of blue permit parking to accommodate these permanent fixtures to the Monash staff.
Of course, this could only be achieved by Monash’s Masterplan which was enacted in 2011 and has been the driving force behind all this change. It aims to transform Monash into a “engaged and dynamic University City”. A public outcry has arisen since its initiation as students protested the phrase “University City” instead of “Univercity”. Monash has remained unapologetic throughout the protests, waiting patiently until students realised that apathy was too strong a force for debt-riddled students to take on. The students since have subsided to bubbling their dissent underneath masks of placid acceptance.
Naturally, Monash identified the problem of parking and worked tirelessly to provide a simple and brilliant solution. Previously, Monash had employed the boring and unoriginal scheme of free parking and carpooling services for its students. Not only were these unnecessary but also they took up space that could otherwise be used for better activities such as down-ball or loitering. The brilliant minds of Monash’s senior management then simply replaced all forms of free parking with blue permit parks and have charged students for carpool permits, minor and necessary changes that our masterplan overlords have decreed. God, that masterplan really does everything, doesn’t it? However, we at Radio Monash wanted a good look at how the masterplan really worked and why it was such a smooth and well-oiled system.
When emailed, the brains of Monash sent us a page with the word “master plan” on it, with trees photo-shopped around it and a “2016” hastily scrawled over the small “2011” in the bottom corner. However, other sources have outlined that it has been Monash’s goal to reduce the number of cars in order to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Our sources explained that by raising prices for all parking all over campus and getting rid of any form of free parking, less students would be inclined to drive to university, thus achieving this goal whilst also raising funds for it’s eventual hostile takeover of the entire southern hemisphere. They also stated that this magazine is the bomb and is a great read for all ages. The Vice-Chancellor has yet to comment, but has sent a clearly photo-shopped image of a subpoena with our station’s name on it.
So, while some changes may be seen by some as controversial, obscene and sometimes clinically insane, Monash has done some incredible work supporting the community. Their superhuman efforts have been no less a miracle and we are well and truly blessed to have such glorious leaders in our short and humble lives. Not only are their ideals perfect as a University, their ideals would also be perfect worldwide and would work as a Utopian society where there is no pain and no suffering, only nervousness from an increasingly larger HECs debt. Which is fine, of course.
In the end, the senior management of Monash University are simply heroes from the shadows, a dark knight of sorts, who beat their victims to a pulp but always leaving them alive. Barely.
This is a satire piece. Radio Monash does not purport any of the information in this article to be true. Any resemblance to the truth is coincidental.