President Trump Cheeses Off Lazy Lactose Lovers

The leader of the free world has assured the world over that he is taking steps to make good on his campaign promises. President Trump personally addressed the nation’s media in a press conference, announcing that his new executive order will ban pre-shredded cheese in supermarkets across the USA.

Upon hearing the announcement, news networks flew into a flurry of questions, desperately eager to find out the trigger to this executive order. Raising his miniscule hands to calm the chaos, Trump took a moment to bask in the bated breath of the media, before revealing it was all to “Make America Grate Again”.

As Trump was whisked away from the podium, the president’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was left to face the clamouring hordes of journalists. Unable to handle the heat of the questions, Sanders eventually melted and shouted “CHEESUS CHRIST! I camembert this anymore! I know you might disa-brie, but things have to get worse before they get feta”, storming off into the distance.

In response to Trump’s new plan, local supermarkets have launched clearance sales to pre-empt the sale ban. Thousands have flooded to stores to stock up on pre-shredded cheese, despite the fact that it is a perishable item. Broken News US correspondent, Brie Roquefort, hit the streets of Philadelphia to speak to opportunistic locals engaged in this fromage frenzy, dubbed “The Curds of Prey”. Trump tweeted shortly after sales began that all Americans who were too lazy to shred their own cheese were “Totally un-grate-ful”.

A local man who wished to remain unidentified Halloumi-nated Brie of his plans with all this cheese: “The next 4 days of my life will just be cheese and beer, and some old episodes of Curd Your Enthusiam. Livin’ the Gouda life, it doesn’t get any cheddar than this. Don’t worry, I will be Caerphilly moderating my alcohol intake, I don’t want to be drinking Morbier than I should and get Livarot!” Upon approaching a local woman in the midst of shoving bags of shredded cheese down her pants, the woman burst out yelling: “I AM GOING TO EAT IT ALL. I DON’T GIVE EDAM IF YOU THINK EMMENTAL, I AM THE CHEESE QUEEN. I WILL HAVE SO MUCH CHEESE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO MARSCAPONE”, before scurrying off into the distance.  

The Kraft factory in Chicago, Illinois went into total meltdown upon hearing the news. Reportedly, the foreman of the cheese shredding department revealed that he had been “waiting for this day to come” and that he had “always wanted to do this”, moments before breaking the glass box labelled “Break in Queso emergency”. It is not known if anything actually resulted from this box breaking.