Spoilers (duh!) 

So for those of you who are new to the whole Bachelor (henceforth Bachie) franchise, the show works this way: some ‘lucky guy’, the aforementioned Bachelor, is “looking for love” and, having had some alleged ill-luck in this endeavour, is appearing on a television show to find his “perfect match” or “soul mate” – or whatever title Nicholas Sparks conjures up in his next oh-so-disgusting novel.

 

The true beauty of the show lies in the fact that a number of women are essentially battling one another to win the bachelor’s heart and stick it out to the end of the show, becoming his lucky lady. This roughly translates to a cauldron of personalities that mix (or more accurately, bubble and broil) in the ‘mansion’ that these contestants call home for as long as Mr Bachie-babe chooses.

 

The process of elimination employed by this hunger-games-type dating show, are weekly cocktail parties that culminate in a ‘rose ceremony’: where the bachelor offers the women of his choice (and ultimately in the final episode, the woman of his choice) a rose, asking her if she will accept to remain on the show and ‘in his heart’ until the next ceremony.

 

The Bachelor is a global phenomenon, existing in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and the United States and its viewership is growing annually for – in my expert opinion – the scintillating drama it produces purely because of its structure. The show has also inspired several spin-offs such as Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, and most interestingly The Bachelorette, which premiered as a show last year in 2015 in Australia with Sam Frost as our first Bachelorette (following the utter madness of Season 2 of the Bachelor)

 

You now know enough about the show itself, so allons-y!

 

Richie’s back! Richie, the golden boy, the charmer, the wonderful and delightful Richie Strahan who we all knew and loved from the Bachelorette last year is back!!! First off, this man is the most affable creature that ever lived – the advertising campaign and Project interview he gave tonight were testaments to his unflappability in front of the cameras. Bonus points for all of us watching: two ab shots within the first five minutes of this show.

 

But the real reason many of us do watch the show is to get to know – and judge – the women on here. And may the heavens reward this show’s producer and casting agents, because we have been blessed with nutters of the highest order.

Tonight, we were presented with (in no particular order):

 

  1. The Disney Princess, Janie. What the holy actual hell? OK, so she’s a 26 year old ‘children’s entertainer’ from Queensland – i.e. she gets paid to be a princess – and seems to think Disney’s Cinderella is a super way to find your life partner, and she left Richie her shoe after the introduction. Come on, Janie. Even Cinderella knew Charming for an hour!
  1. The psycho bitch, Kiera. Appearing in what looks to be a black lace nightgown with a slit right on up to where fabric ought indeed to be, she managed to horrify almost all the other contestants by being an all-round Umbridge to virtually everyone, and was kept hanging right to the very end of the rose ceremony. Go you, Ritchie, we know she’s only around so people like me can continue to juggle popcorn and wine while loving every second of the drama.
  1. The one who mistook Bachie for the Voice auditions and was a terrible, terrible, awful off-key singer. Yikes. Who sings? He asked her to tell him about herself and she sang. Should we be teaching children basic introductions again or something? Whatever, she’s still in. And her dress was fantastic even if she speaks in Tumblr-ese way too much for a 31 year old.
  1. The bacon-lover. I have little to say about this one other than she brought him a bouquet of bacon. If you see nothing wrong with that, re-read that sentence out loud if you must. Because that is weird.
  1. The Morticia Addams. She seemed cool-ish, if scary.

 

You may be wondering at this point if I’m going to be terrible and just criticise people. And no, I’m not. I happened to like a couple:

  1. Megan, a WA girl who seemed normal and classy. Thank you for restoring faith in my gender, I sincerely hope you win. (And take down that uppity bitch at some point)
  1. Alex, who while a bit boring seemed perfectly nice, and…
  1. Plank-girl, whatever her name was. I liked her ‘tude.

 

With another episode on tomorrow, and several more weeks of Bachie to look forward to, I’ll close with this: Season 4 is looking to be spectacular, and I can’t wait to see how this goes.

 

P.S. If you do get into the show, like the Bachelor Memes page on Facebook – you won’t regret it.

 

For the drama and promise of more to come? This was a hell of an episode!

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