We Just Need Some Space


Plans for a campus to be opened on the moon have been orbiting the academic board, where Monash’s high authorities have given the go-ahead to what might be the most epic saga of the Monash overseas expansion initiative. With the aftermath of the parking controversy well behind them, Monash have decidedly leaked a new issue for students to wrap their heads around.

While alternatives such as Antarctica (Monash Univ-ice-ity: The frozen campus), floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (Mon-splash Pacifisity: The deep blue campus) and inside a live volcano (Magma Lavaversity: Super hot fire campus) have been floating around the executive offices, “Moonash Mooniversity: The Lunar Campus” was the final pick as the pioneering new campus to flagship Monash’s expansion into further territory.

The plan, while seemingly just a flight of fancy, seems to be already in effect. Renovations on the bus loop have begun to accommodate shuttling to the moon. Although exactly how Monash plans on getting a bus-load of students into the depths of space remains a mystery, we do know that certain semesters will be taught on the bus itself. Common courses such as Commerce, Science, Law and the like will be available. However, no Law-Engineering double degrees will be supported as the hold for the vehicle lacks drainage shafts for the copious amounts of tears inevitably shed during its completion. By that same token, end of semester exams will require a short space walk where the vacuum of space will dry students’ tears in a microsecond. The departments add that this will remove the wiping aspect of tears so that students will have more time to write their hopeful gibberish.

While these plans may seem out of this world, they turn out to have quite humble beginnings as it has been found out that the suggestion was made by a junior assistant to the deputy head of Monash security. He mentioned that “ever since I was a little boy, I imagined having my own office on the moon. This was my chance at making my dream come true after failing to graduate with my liberal Arts degree. It’s why I became a security officer as well.”

Perhaps the best piece of news about the new campus is the prospect of free parking. However, this was not without much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the board. The only reason that the moon would not be soon covered in little blue squares was the expense of replacing the paintbrushes when clogged up with lunar dust. As such, no lines whatsoever will be drawn, in the spirit of free parking, with 50 tons of gravel to be shipped next week to make students feel comfortable parking in unequal distances and at awkward angles.

The question of funding has been raised by many, as the venture is expected to be incredibly expensive. Even the enactment of the plans themselves have been in question. However, all has been revealed to be the work of the Monash Masterplan. His holiness, the Masterplan, has been tirelessly working on the new campus like God creating the universe in the dark, though apparently not in the allotted 7-day time slot.

When asked about the actions the Masterplan has taken, the executives replied that “The Masterplan works in mysterious ways. Do not question him and accept his word as gospel, though we don’t actually have an official holy text. I suppose your unit guides will have to suffice.”

One of the forms of love the Masterplan has bequeathed the student body is the imminent introduction of popular restaurant chains “Papparich”, “Sushi Sushi” and “Subway”. While most of the young upstarts, fresh from their grueling VCE experience (haha), are excited to see such changes, the glassy eyed, tutorial-hardened veterans remain skeptic. The temporary creature comforts that Monash have been investing could be a ploy to raise course fees or even the SSAF.

The leak of such news has prompted other universities like Melbourne University, La Trobe and Deakin to open their own campuses on the moon before Monash manage to get theirs in full operation. However, the Vice-Chancellor was unconcerned stating “Our [builder’s] efforts are unbeatable. With literally years upon years of continual practice in their craft from the arduous building regime we have them, their building speed is light-speed quick. Also, our top concern is not the other Universities but rather getting that copyright trademark on the new name of the new campus.”

While the Lunar campus seems like something set in the distant future, we still need to recognize that what we do now will have an impact in the future. Who knows, maybe the new campus will feature an outdoor T.V. and outdoor ping pong tables. Because Monash is “Where Brilliant Begins” and at night, the moon is truly the brightest object in the sky.

Joey Yang